Like all people who don't consult the Bible to solve practical problems, I'm at war with Christmas. I wish people "Happy Holidays" , promote the idea of Santa Claus in order to deflect attention away from the role of the Christ-child, and accentuate the pagan elements of the celebration in favor of the Christian ones, which are in extreme danger with our country maintaining a paltry incidence of Christians at a mere 76%. And why wouldn't I? I stand to gain so much from the effort, I really can't afford not to. But we need a shot in the arm. So I'm mining the great war-mongers of the past for material. What do say, Genghis? How would you attack Christmas?

Genghis Khan: Well, first I'd find a few stores that feature religiously neutral decorations, like holly, wreaths, and maybe even some Kwanzaa stuff, because they'd clearly be part of the war effort. I'd absorb them into my army and ride to a store that has the nerve to wish people "Merry Christmas" when they check out. While riding we'd drag yule logs behind our horses to kick up extra dust and give the appearance of greater numbers. When I arrived at the store, let's say it's a Wal-Mart in Texas, I'd explain to the manager that he can either surrender, or everyone in the store can be killed. Then I'd camp out that night, instructing my soldiers to each light 3 Christmas trees apiece instead of just one, again to give the impression of greater numbers. We'd probably light a few Menorahs as well, just to show how at war with Christmas we really are. Naturally, there would be no praying.

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In the morning, when they haven't surrendered, and they won't, cause the first one never does, we'd catapult Bill O'Reilly's bubonic plague-ridden corpse into the store. As people pour out the front doors in fear, my archers would pick them off while calling out stuff like "Happy Holidays!" and singing carols that refer to snow, candy, bells, etcetera, but make no mention of Jesus. Once that's done, we'd ride in the front door and massacre everyone else inside, paying particular attention to the destruction of any decorations that could be interpreted as referring to the religious side of Christmas. After eating the corpses at our secular Christmas feast, we'd move on.

Then we'd head to City Hall. I'd have all my soldiers file complaints about a local nativity scene in a public space, with each one filing 3 complaints to - you guessed it - give the impression of greater numbers. Naturally we'd compromise if they'd agree to an athiest display being placed next to the nativity, so that we can turn the last remaining Christians into athiests when they see our display. Once we'd filed the complaints we would - and I really can't stress enough how important this is - construct a giant pyramid out of severed human heads in front of City Hall. These Jesus freaks need to know we mean business. And it wouldn't hurt to put a star at the top of the pyramid, so it looks sort of like a Christmas tree. That would be funny. If City Hall takes the nativity scene down, we absorb them into our army. If they don't, we eat them and put Santa outfits on Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the three wise men. Then we ride to the next God-loving Christmas store and start all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Well, there it is. Happy Holidays, everyone!