This guy is accused of beating up his 79 year old mother. However, his opinions on the local news are making him a hero on the internet.

Good news perverts, Hayden P-Something has turned 18 and is now legal. Bad news, she still thinks you’re a fat loser.

This week Philip Norris gives you a round-up of the latest news, including a sad story about Britney Spears, who sucks at being a mom.

Fox News, yet again, demonstrates how little it knows about anything by making a mock of itself by running this story. Epic LULZ 4-EVER!

The world's tallest man meets the world's smallest man. Why? Because Normals love to giggle.

Philip Norris celebrates America’s independence by saluting all the reasons we totally kick ass.

This news footage (Spanish?) shows a street fight between five men – they guy in all black takes on the other four! Awesome!

We did it. We caved in to your demands. Philip Norris has returned to the LG news desk and he has a year’s worth of stories to unleash his cranky fury on.

Jessica is the world's fattest child – and American. It's bizarre that this news story is done by German television, but it just makes me think of that chocolate-loving foreign exchange student on the Simpsons, and I giggle. P.S., you'll probably recognize her sofa-dance.

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

What happens when Britney, Lindsay and Paris get together for a night on the town? Lasers shoot out of their noonies.

This news video depicts a violent protest on the streets of Santiago, Chile. For more than 8 hours, riot police tried to contain the blood-thirsty protesters. Then one drop-kicked a cop. Awesome.

Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz wears eyeliner, but since he's a boy, we call it guyliner. Apparently this was worth an entire People Magazine news piece. I'm going to go kill myself now.

Did you see Simon Cowell roll his eyes at Chris Richardson during American Idol? According this video, Simon has a history of being a heartless bastard.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

Join famous director turned archeologist James Cameron as he makes an amazing discovery in Jesus’ tomb… Jesus himself!

Britney’s hit rock bottom, and only our robot reporter can save her now!

Warning: Oprah Magazine’s response to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

You heard about her DUI, now see Nicole Ritchie drunkenly tear up the roads. LG was on the scene!

Fan-made video montage of MORE Fox News footage of the "bomb scare" over ATHF promotional signs. And don't call them Lite Brites.